i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
