I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
