Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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