I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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