You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
