lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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