i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
