Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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