Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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