dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
