she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
