I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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