I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
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