Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
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