I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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