I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
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you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
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It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Randomize