It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
