no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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