Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
