Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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