Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
