so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
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Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
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I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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