"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
