chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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