the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
