don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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