I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
