I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
