Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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