Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
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My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
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I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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