If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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