I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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