I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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