btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
