Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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