he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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