Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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