Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i may or may not be watching the land before time
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
