whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
