how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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