Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Randomize
