dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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