Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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