The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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