Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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