I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
