awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
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Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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