I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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