I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
