I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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