Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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