We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
