Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
