question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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